Dating and Books

In case everyone is getting sick of NaNoWriMo posts, back to my regular sort of post!

My friend, Sherilyn, who is also a writer, made a great analogy the other day between being an author and dating. I’ll get to that after I fill you in on some background.

I called her because I’ve been struggling with feelings that I’m not used to. I haven’t had a relationship in a year now and it’s been several months since I went on a date. I kind of gave up after much frustration and disappointment. I tried Internet dating, but it doesn’t work well for me. From this blog, from my videos, and from my books, you might think that I’m very articulate and well put together. I manage communication a lot better through writing than face to face. I do better meeting people in real life and feeling in-person chemistry because then the other person sees my aspie traits right away and (hopefully) finds them endearing! However, my aspieness also means that I tend to fall into a schedule and I don’t meet new people or go out much because I get easily overwhelmed or flustered and it’s too scary.

For a long time I’ve been happy with my fictional heroes, getting satisfaction immersing myself in the stories I write of men who do what I want them to do and never disappoint me. Real life is so much messier and scarier. I’d forgotten what it feels like to get a crush on someone and how painful it can be. I called my friend to complain that it seems like there’s never a happy time.

*You like someone and you wonder if he likes you back and you don’t want to flirt too much in case they don’t and you make a fool of yourself.

*You like someone and you find out that he doesn’t like you back and you wonder what’s so hideous about you that he doesn’t even want to give you a chance.

*You like someone and you spend time with him hoping that something will develop, but eventually you realize it will be on you to make a move and quite likely get shut down.

It’s all so unpleasant. I like logical things and crushes are anything but. They send me off a cliff into an emotional free fall that I’m powerless to stop. I try to spend more and more time with the person, all the while knowing that he isn’t interested and that every time I see him I feel more that will only serve to hurt me more. It is self-destructive and yet I can’t stop. This happens to me relatively rarely, but when it does hit, it takes over my life. I can hardly think of anything else. My NaNo novel has been suffering because it’s hard for me to focus on anything.

So I called Sherilyn to talk some sense into me. She suggested several things. One is to write about it. Of course I was already all over that! Always looking for good romantic plot ideas, I’ve already begun a story that uses these feelings, but of course in the story the affection is returned. Same as the story of Kaitlyn and Jason that I’ve been working on, the emotions of which are based on my real life first love, and the longings I harbor that he would show back up in my life and love me as much as I loved him.

Another thing she said is that trying to sell a book is like trying to find a relationship. It’s the same putting yourself out there over and over, opening up to the sting of rejection. Even if you do get as far as a traditional book contract, the chances of your book being a success are still slim, just like with marriage and its contract. The divorce rate scares me a lot, but putting it like that eased my mind. I understand book selling and how difficult it is for a book to make it, no matter how much love the author poured into it.

My friend put my fears and confusions over dating into a language that made sense to me and it helped ease my mind a lot.