Romantic Friday Writers: Bouquet
http://fridaynightwriters.blogspot.com/ This blog has a challenge for writers of romance/love stories to write 400 words on a theme each Friday. The theme this week is Bouquet.
This is a scene from my WIP, Breath(e). Elizabeth has always been attracted to disabled men exclusively, but she decides that she ought to at least try dating an able-bodied guy.
Word Count: 302, critique however you would like. Comments will be of great help!
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Elizabeth almost didn’t see Patrick as she came out of her Biology class. She was thinking about which assignments had to get done tonight and which could be put off, missing the unusually warm November weather and Patrick standing at the bottom of the wheelchair ramp with flowers in his hands.
“Oh,” Elizabeth jumped as he walked towards her.
“These are for you,” he said with a self-satisfied smile.
Elizabeth shifted her books to the crook of her hip and accepted the bouquet of carnations with one hand. “Thank you,” she said. When Patrick’s face fell she added, “They’re very beautiful.” Still disappointment from him until she said, “It was very good of you to bring them.”
“I looked up your birthday in the online directory.”
“Oh. Thank you,” she said again. She wondered if she better hurry and do the same, figure out when his birthday was. He walked her back to her dorm, then continued on to his class. Elizabeth was much more pleased by the decorations she found on her door than by the flowers. The girls on her hall had put up a Happy Birthday banner just like Elizabeth had seen done for people in high school but had never been done for her. College really was a fresh start. Her new friends didn’t realize that she was uncool. Or they didn’t care.
Cassie peeked her head out from her own room and said, “Happy birthday!”
Elizabeth grinned. “Thanks,” she said.
“Awesome flowers.” Cassie came out into the hallway.
“Yeah,” Elizabeth said. “Patrick gave them to me.”
“So you guys are, like, serious?”
“I guess,” Elizabeth said. Cassie took her books to hold while Elizabeth pulled out her key and opened the door. Cassie followed her into the room.
“He’s perfect, Liz,” Cassie gushed.
“Right,” she said. “Perfect.”
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And interesting glimpse into a developing romance. The characters are very likeable.
………..dhole
Too bad they are going to crash and burn 🙁
Elizabeth doesn’t sound very interested – poor Patrick.
I’d like a little more guilt or angst from her re: her non-reaction to Patrick. It’s fine that he doesn’t thrill her, but I’d like to see more introspection on her part as to *why* he doesn’t. It’s like he’s an annoying fly she has to tolerate, which makes her less likeable.
Whenever I’ve been in that situation, or my girlfriends have, we have agonized for hours about it – we SHOULD like this guy, he is so nice, why DON’T we like him?
That’s true! I should twist the emotions a bit stronger.
Hi,
Oooh, ungrateful Liz. She could have been a bit nicer to Patrick: like a kiss of thanks on the cheek. After all, he did go to the effort of finding out about her birthday. I hope she burns, and Patrick finds a much nicer girl. 😉
best
F
Hahaha! Guess I need to work on making sure Elizabeth stays sympathetic. lol.
Yes if Elizabeth is going to be a sympathetic character, I don’t feel it here. I don’t like her but that could change if you gave her more of a reason for being lukewarm about the flowers. Most girls just love flowers – maybe she’s different. Maybe her mind’s on other things, like a big do tonight or something. But she leaves Patrick crushed, bad Liz…
Denise
That is very helpful. Thanks so much to both of you for bringing that up. I hadn’t noticed it and it’s really going to be critical for people to be on Liz’s side later!
Dear Ruth,
It was interesting reading the other comments.
Here you use a bouquet of flowers to reveal what these characters think and feel about each other. I guess you could do a little more with just that, as the others have suggested. But I feel still the dilemma in this text.
A bouquet of flowers is not always a welcome gift. It could be an obligation or a commitment that the receiver is not willing to make. I think you have found an interesting use of the bouquet for this theme-challenge, even if there is always more that one could do.
Best wishes,
Anna
Anna’s ‘An Unusual Bouquet’ RFWers challenge No 19
Yes! That’s exactly it. The gesture was too strong for Elizabeth, who is quite unsure of him. I’ll have to be careful to show that in the text!
To love and not to be lovedin return is a raw wound. But to be the unwilling target of unwanted love is a rock in your heart. Great entry, Roland
Thank you, that’s beautiful. 🙂
Flowers say different things and what they say does not always match the thoughts of the recepient. That’s what I got from this story. But I suppose there is something about just appreciating the gesture, which is not what Liz felt like doing.
Yes. I think flowers can be quite complicated!
I’m intrigued by your heroine’s reticence. It seems that she is confused by her relationship with Patrick, almost preoccupied with some other more demanding issue that is making her unable to respond appropriately to him. I am sensing there may be some as yet undisclosed reason for her lack of enthusiasm for those flowers?
Yes, I think within the context of the book it’s a lot clearer what’s going on, but I definitely need to make sure that the readers remain on her side!