Where Does Devoteeism Come From?
Short answer: no one knows. And yet, people have put out theories based on their assumptions about what we are like. There is almost no research in this area. There has been ONE case study, and people continue to refer to it as the explanation for devness.
People love explanations. When something happens that is against what they see as the norm, they have to have a reason. If there was abuse in your past, they will nod wisely and say that’s why you’re a devotee. Even if the dev feeling started long before any abuse. It goes back to people fearing what they don’t understand. Attempts to understand it have been made by people who are not devs and they are looked to as experts. As though we cannot speak for ourselves. As though we have to take whatever stupid model a psychiatrist who has met one dev and not understood her tells us.
Here are the theories that have been put out about the origins of devness:
- A lack of success with able-bodied individuals, which makes people with disabilities safer targets of affection.
- The desire for a unique partner who garners attention from onlookers.
- Sadistic tendencies, where the individual loves having power over one of perceived lower status.
- Masochistic tendencies, where one gets satisfaction via feelings of self-degeneration that are associated with having a partner who is stigmatized.
- The imprint of early childhood experiences involving strong emotions for a people with disabilities. (Parental approval for any admiration can further reinforce such.)
- The need to feel like a hero in “saving” a people with disabilities.
–SOURCE: http://www.disaboom.com/sexuality-and-disability/understanding-disability-fetishes-and-devotees
I wish people would stop spreading these lies. Because an “expert” says it, everyone nods wisely and says, “Yes, these must be the reasons.” None of those things have ever been true for me.
I am a beautiful, kind, nice woman and have no trouble getting dates.
I don’t need someone else to make me feel unique, I’m a pretty unusual person already.
I am not sadistic. I like the men to be in control. I don’t see that having a disability means you can’t be the one in charge.
I have no interest in being stigmatized
I had no early childhood experiences with disability other than the attraction
I don’t want to “save” anyone. I don’t think people who have disabilities need saving.
The negativity that gets directed towards devs by some people who have disabilities really shocks me. (I have many friends who have disabilities who are open minded, kind, and compassionate too! And I credit them for helping me avoid suicide). But for those who spread hatred over the Internet towards me, I ask: Why do you do to me what you hate having done to you?
People who have disabilities ask that non-disabled people treat them with respect, dignity, as equal human beings who deserve to live their lives as they see fit. They don’t want to be ridiculed or called names.
Yet it is people with disabilities who frequently treat me like a piece of garbage. Like I’m not human. Like my feelings don’t count. Like my life is a scourge on the earth. They call me freak, pervert, deviant, monster.
Why can’t they see that they are doing to me exactly what they hate having done to them?
[If you’re curious what the experience of devness is like to grow up with, I hope you’ll take a look at my novel (W)hole. Thanks!]
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Why? Because it’s human nature to defend our own insecurity by creating a safe space around ourselves – and often that takes the form of an “me versus them” mentality.
I have been called many names by several people who, were I to even group them together under the label as “disabled”, would bristle at the “stigma” of that label. I have also been attacked by a surprising number of supposedly fellow “Devs”.
Every single time we say “them” or “us” (or even “me”) in a way that indicates some fundamental difference, we gain a level of emotional security (I am not alone) and superiority (I am different than you), regardless of the validity or even realization of what we are doing.
Most of us are objectificationists in one sense or another, but few of us can see it. But we can certainly FEEL it when it happens to us, and I suspect that’s where a large part of the defensiveness and aggressiveness originates.
Or they are just a bunch of assholes… take your pick. ;-P
You’re right, it does seem to be human nature to do an “us v.s. them” thing. I’ve never understood that. I have a hippie, we’re all one family, mind set.
People who call you “monster” actually hate their body. They cannot understand that you admire, what they hate so much. This is why they call you monster. Disabled people who are fine with their body and their disability won´t have a problem with you. People with a negative attitude towards disability have a problem with devoteeism. Don´t care if people call you monster, they are not important to you.
I have come to that same conclusion myself! 😀
I am an amputee and, as far as I know, have not attracted any devotees in person. I guess that doesn’t speak well for me. I have been approached online by a couple of foracious gay devotees. I kindly answered their questions until they just got too personal. I told them so and disconnected immediately. I also removed them from my list of friends.
I’m very open about my amputation and how my prosthetic leg works, but there is a line I draw when one gets too personal just to stimulate their own senses.
That’s very reasonable! I would not expect someone to answer personal questions unless we were actually dating! You never know, though, you may have caught the admiration of a straight dev or two. We tend to be very shy and reserved, afraid of being thought weirdos.
The main objection to devotee ‘culture’ or habits, is the basis of objectifying, which is sometimes stated, sometimes assumed.
For example, Angeline Jolie is beautiful, to me at least (and many other men and women). And she IS often objectified in that many people would rather see images of her than get to know her. But either way, I don’t NEED the person I am dating to look like Angeline Jolie.
Devotee is like a person saying to you, “Oh, I noticed you are DD breasts, and I am a devotee of DD women, can you tell me more about how large and round and firm they are?” And after a while you realize that a) they have never asked for your name and b) a relationship built solely on your breasts is not one which is going to be mutually satisfying – indeed, why is this person assuming that because you happen to have what turns them on, that you would be interested in them?
Most women don’t like being objectified, don’t enjoy being in a workplace where all the men there can identify them by their ass and breasts but not their face, and have already included them in the ‘rating’ system of all women in the workplace, and given various body parts score numbers.
The same is true for most individuals who are wheelchair users. A wheelchair is a mobilitiy device. And in general, most devotees don’t bother to care much about the individual, or even to learn much about the differences between the types of people who use wheelchairs (for wheelchair devotees) and why. A search of amputee on youtube will show hundreds of clips, taken without consent, in secret, of women (usually, unless it is children, which is a more devoted devotee grouping), sometimes without even having the women’s head, just making sure to show the amputation, or wheelchair.
What puzzles me is why devotees are puzzled by this, particularly the more aggressive ones, who park by libraries to watch those in the blue badge spots transfer, like birdwatchers. Who is going to be happy remembering a car accident or the two years of cancer treatment so the outcome of an amputation could help someone they never met masturbate over their pictures?
If the majority of devotees were educated advocates of disability rights and helped move them forwad, I think greater acceptance would occur – but since most (I don’t know enough about you to include you in this broad statement, though like the conclusions of devotees above, while many show the bias against the disabled, I am sure some are true for some people) are uneducated about the day to day living of (insert particular focus here), much less others with disabilities, then it comes across as wanting to use individuals who are already working against the preconceptions of various sections of society and a devotee’s is just another one.
Well, I disagree that the majority of devotees are only interested in objectifying.
I think the more vocal ones are and that saddens me, because of the hundreds of devs that I’ve spoken to, I’ve yet to meet a single one who doesn’t want a relationship with the whole person. Having dated many disabled men, I know that I become interested in both who they are and their bodies. Sometimes I get swept away by how hot they are and ignore issues of compatibility that I shouldn’t, but we all do that.
I know there are creepy devs out there, I see the YouTube comments and clips (but there’s a lot of weirdos on YouTube!) Strangely, no one seems bothered by women’s erotica covers, which are usually just the naked abs of a guy with his head cut off.
As a woman with DDDD boobs, I have to say that I really like the man I’m dating to be into them. I tried dating a guy who told me “I’m not a boob man.” It felt uncomfortable. I didn’t like that he didn’t think my body was perfect as it was. That’s how it is with the disabled men I date. I like them as people and I also think their bodies are perfect. I’m not able to be turned on by a non-disabled body.
I think the minority of creepy devs are more vocal and noticeable because their poor social skills make them more visible and the rest of us are too scared to admit that we are devs because of their behavior. I have put myself into the position of being a spokesperson in the hopes that more people will feel safe about coming out. They won’t as long as we get butchered in online forums. There is a huge amount of shame and guilt for most devs, who hate that they are turned on by something that was a difficult and painful experience for someone else. I personally would rather not be this way, but I didn’t get a choice.
My personal theory is that many of the creepier devs became that way over a long time of guilt, shame, secrecy, and rejection. They could find no acceptable outlet for their longings and snapped.
Again, the hundreds of devs I have met over the course of being an advocate for them are very interested in disability rights, want equal treatment and accessibility for people who have disabilities. I personally have worked hard in the disability rights field as a way to put this sexual interest of mine to some positive purpose.
If it is simply an attraction point, why call it Dev, or devotee? Although, breaking down the attraction would be of interest.
I take it a simple wheelchair doesn’t get you aroused, or other Dev. Not a wheelchair sitting there. So it has to be someone sitting IN a wheelchair. Does it matter what they look like, or how they act? Does the gender matter, the race, the height, the other body features?
I can think of another external device attraction, like girls who like guys with glasses and vice versa. However cute someone is with glasses though, it isn’t who they are, it is something they wear and while there can be a romantic story starting with attraction with someone who wears glasses, the story has to move into the attaction of the person.
There are all types of attactions: hair colour, height, breast size, size of other body parts but in the end, there isn’t a relationship if that is the only interest, indeed, if the person is not MORE important than that, then there is no lasting relationship.
A relationship can’t be held in statis, and if you are happy for the guy who is attracted to you due to your DD breasts, then you must be equally happy for him when he leaves you after you have a child or get older and your breasts get larger and he sleeps around with different women with DD breasts before leaving you for one of them. Hey, you wanted him to be in love with you EXACTLY , not as a person, but as an objectifcation, then it only makes sense for him to move on when you don’t meet those specifications anymore. But the vast majority of women (and men likely) aren’t happy with that, they want the relationship which grows over time, where as each person changes and grows, the partner grows with them. A classic objectifier hates that, which is why for example, an otaku will say that 2-D women are far better than 3-d ones as they will always stay the same, always love you (in the eroge game) always give the answers desired (in the eroge game) – because it isn’t a relationship, it is a response formula based on fastasy. Fantasy is great LATER, but as a selection of who is the ‘one’, well, I think there are several tens of millions who are waking up realizing that they may not have David Bowie, Madonna, or Johnny Depp, but it is far better the relationship they have with who they have then to remain forever a fanboy or fangirl and alone.
A very good question. And something I’ve struggled with. But I am a devotee. For me, I cannot be in a relationship with a man who is not disabled. I’ve tried and failed. The only time I have any sexual interest is if there is a disability. That, to me, makes it a fetish. But maybe I’m wrong about the definition.
A wheelchair sitting empty is…what word can I use? Interesting, I guess. I notice it, I feel drawn to it, but I imagine a cute young guy sitting in it! The other aspects of a person definitely matter. Though a wheelchair can make someone a little bit more attractive/appealing than he would be without it, it can’t fix ugly. I’ve had some hideously ugly men twenty years older than me flirt with explicit, sexual language online and it’s so awful. lol.
I don’t know as many male devs as I do female and I know that I’ve never met a female dev for whom the rest of the person is completely inconsequential. I think male devs get a very bad rap because of a few who might be that way, the handful that I know also would love to have a complete relationship with someone who is disabled.
Then it also gets into the nature of porn. A person might be turned on by an image of someone they don’t know in a wheelchair, doing a transfer or whatever, but also at the same time be capable of and interested in a real relationship with someone he or she does know. The big problem that I see in dev/disabled relations are that people who have disabilities are sometimes used for porn when they haven’t consented to it. I’m bothered by that. On the one hand, it seems strange to me that people are so upset that we get turned on by innocuous activities. And then no one is suprised if a guy gets turned on watching a woman put on stockings, but if it’s a woman putting stockings onto paralyzed legs it’s suddenly horrible. BUT, the other side of that is that because we’re turned on by things that others would find not the least bit pornographic, people can’t safely show themselves at all without unwittingly being turned into porn stars. Definitely a problem and I’m not sure what the solution is. Part of what I’m trying to do is bring the two groups closer together, as I think those who objectify women with disabilities will have more compassion and understanding if they get to know them without fear of being called a monster. It’s a theory.
But yeah, back to what you were saying, I totally agree that there are different kinds of attractions, but there has to be more for a relationship to work. That initial draw is important, though. And throughout a relationship, the desire for sexual closeness with one’s partner matters. I’ve never been able to have that desire for someone who didn’t have a mobility disability. I also know that many of us make the mistake of confusing sexual attraction for more. What woman hasn’t fallen for a gorgeous boy who is all wrong for her and tried to force it into a relationship? lol.
In terms of me and my body, it’s a careful balance. Yes, I want someone to enjoy my body and to like it. I am not surprised when men are drawn in by my hourglass figure. But then I want him to love and appreciate all of me once he gets to know me. That’s the dream, right? Don’t we all want someone who loves us and thinks we’re beautiful and perfect? An expert on relationships, I am not. I’ve had a very hard time with them and these days I’ve chosen to be single rather than hurt anyone else.
I like your description of a classic objectifier/fanboy/fangirl. That’s very interesting. I have never known someone who doesn’t want a growing and flowering relationship, but I can definitely see how some subset of people are that way and would rather have the fantasy life than the real life. I think there are some devs who are that way, but I still believe it is a minority of us.
Why do I use that word for myself? As much as I dislike the word, it is used to capture the experience that I’ve had. When I first discovered the word it was both wonderful and horrible at the same time. It was horrible because the article that I first encountered it in was very negative and mean. Wonderful because I recognized myself. For the first time, I wasn’t all alone. I had suffered for years feeling broken, built wrong, perverted because of what attracted me. I told no one, I lived in shame and secrecy. It had a huge power over me. Being able to come out of the closet, as it were, and start to explain to people why I no longer think that I’m broken and wrong, has made me a much happier and more secure person. This desire for disability has formed my identity in a huge way, and it is what I am. I can’t say I’m sexually turned on by paralyzed limbs, but I’m not a dev. Calling myself a duck when I’m actually a goose doesn’t make me not a goose.