Romantic Friday Writers: Heart Stopper
http://fridaynightwriters.blogspot.com/ This blog has a challenge for writers of romance/love stories to write 400 words on a theme each Friday. The theme this week is Heart Stopper.
I’m delighted to be able to present this tid-bit today. It’s a piece that I’ve had to cut from my current WIP. It’s one of my darlings that I had to kill. So, at least it will get the chance to do something. I do love this moment, perhaps I’ll find a story someday that it will work for.
Word Count: 392, you may critique in any way that you like.
The set up is that Elizabeth and Stewart broke up a few months ago and he moved across the country, but the break up was very amicable and they remain friends. Elizabeth has just been reading horrible things about devotees online and taking it very personally…
***
The alarm clock went off and Elizabeth woke still on the floor. There was a puddle of drool under her cheek and her eyes were crusted shut with dried tears. Time for class.
She stood up slowly and her bones cracked. Looking at the door, she just couldn’t face going outside. Instead she climbed onto her bed and curled up in a ball, staring at the wall.
She opened her phone and pressed the speaker button because she couldn’t muster the energy to hold it to her ear.
“Hello?”
“Why do they hate me so much, Stewart?”
“What? Who? You sound terrible.”
“It hurts so much. I just can’t take it anymore. Please make it stop.”
“I wish I could, I really do.”
Stewart wasn’t making her feel any better. She hung up the phone and tossed it to the floor. It rang several times that day, but she didn’t look at it.
Eventually she had to use the bathroom. She held onto the wall the whole way there. She thought briefly about going to the dining hall, but it was too far away and there was no hunger in her. Back to bed.
Lightness and darkness changed across the room over time. The cell phone rang. The dorm phone rang. Footsteps went by in the hallway. Elizabeth dozed, woke, shifted, drifted off again. The thought of doing anything drained her. Everything was too much energy. I can’t do it anymore.
There was a knock on the door. Elizabeth didn’t bother to call out anything, she just ignored it. Then there was a key in the lock. She sat up as a janitor and a man in a suit came in. They looked at her and she looked at them until she heard a voice in the hallway say, “Get out of my way.”
Elizabeth’s heart leapt up into her throat. It couldn’t be.
She jumped out of bed, then grabbed her desk for support, surprised to find herself light-headed. She pushed past the two men she didn’t know and Stewart was sitting in the hallway behind them. She launched herself into his lap. He wrapped his arms around her, held her head against his shoulder with his hand on the side of her face. He kissed the top of her head. To the men, he said, “I got it from here.”
10 Comments
Submit a Comment
You must be logged in to post a comment.
Progress Trackers
At proofreaders; available for pre-order
What Is Meant To Be
Second draft
Homework & Homicide (working title)
Second Draft
Book Montage
RFW winner October 7, 2011
Hi Ruth just had a quick read before I head to the coast. I wanted to get it up on twitter too. Will be back for more of Stewart later…D
😀 I’m glad people seem to like him as much as I do. I think I’m a little bit in love with him. lol
Hi,
Shame you had to had to cut this snippet. It reflects very well Elizabeth’s sense of depression and despair, and maybe a little guilt, too. Why else would people be against her, unless it was she whom dumped Stewart. I’m speculating here, because I don’t know for sure that happened, but her response implies such. 😉
best
F
Even though I think this is a nice scene, the plot that led up to it wasn’t that strong. It didn’t seem dramatic enough. So I made a major change that ups the drama, but as part of that I didn’t want to give Elizabeth comfort from it too easily. Also, she and Stewart don’t end up getting back together, so he seemed like not quite the right choice of person to rescue her. But I think I could write a new story based just around this scene!
Well Stewart certainly put the zing back in her step. You did a good job showing her despair.
It’s a good scene to show case how bad perception can demoralise. But as you say if it didn’t fit the rest of the story then it makes sense to cut it. I hope she get a HEA eventually.
Lovely scene – I love that it shows that lasting essence of love and care between two people, even if they have separated. Beautifully written
Lx
Thanks! I do love the sweetness of the friendship that Elizabeth and Stewart maintain. They do care for each other deeply
Reading the comments, esp. yours that she & Stewart *don’t* get back together – good move to cut it, though it’s lovely. As a reader of a bigger piece, it would tick me off if you showed so much love & concern on Stewart’s part as a red herring, so to speak.
You do a great job of showing Elizabeth in the grips of this depression, and yet, though I usually don’t care much for passive characters, I *don’t* despise her. This speaks to your great skill as a writer.
That is very good to hear. She is still going to go through some darkness and then pull herself together, but I’ve been really worried about whether she’s too passive when the depression hits.